Okay, things are beginning to get a little strange in this little competition. I’m not certain if it’s due to the fact that the clock is ticking and the calendar is dissipating faster than our contestants, but people are getting a bit whacky with their weight loss strategies. During our regularly scheduled weigh-in, our courageous calorie counting carbohydrate avoiding, cream puff filled contestants once again gathered in the small confines of my office to stand and be measured.
I was the first to be weighed and documented a suspicious 3.5 pound weight loss. The suspicion associated with the weight loss is due to the fact that I have been ill with a fever over the past three or four days. Ralph and company suspect that I contracted the virus on purpose, probably by going to various public places and licking door knobs, faucet handles, and any other “cootie” infested surface in the greater Sea Coast area. My wife dismisses the reduction as a mere loss of manhood, as she reports that I was such a pussy while I was sick, that I lost any ounce of respect she had for my masculinity.
Ralph came into the weigh in with a loss of a two pounds, this despite the fact that he is now questioning the accuracy of the scale we’ve been using. Apparently, wife Janine purchased a scale that puts Ralph a whole ten pounds lighter than he’s tracking on our official scale. Janine must have purchased the scale at the Disney store as the weight Ralph said he weighs in at home is straight out of Fantasy Land. Regardless, we all wish Ralph and his Magical scale the best of luck in the final two weeks.
Stephen was next on the scale and has obviously employed the unusual strategy of cutting away small pieces of his clothing that contribute to his overall body mass. This has to be the case, as I can’t imagine a grown forty five year old man showing up for a weigh in fully knowing that that he has to remove his shoes, and showing up with holes in his socks. I’m just thankful that we’re not stripping down to our skivvies, as I can just imagine what kind of shape his Scooby Doo underwear are in…and I don’t care to find out. I suppose that I can’t really fault him as he did log in a modest weight loss of 2.5 pounds.
Our only loser who is labeled as a loser, cuz’ he didn’t lose, is brother Tim. This despite the fact that Tim states that he ran 5 miles just the day before the weigh in. Tim looked sincerely perplexed and we were all a bit perplexed for him. Is it the fact that the 5 miles wasn’t enough to offset all of the beer, brats and bologna throughout the week? Looking at him, we couldn’t attribute the gain to him building muscle. Maybe the measurement tool he used to measure the 5 miles came from the same mystical place where Janine bought Ralph’s magical scale. The mystery continues and may be only solved by “Those Meddling Kids” on Stephen’s Scooby Doo Underoo’s.
With only two weeks left in the contest, our pathetic, pie eating, pizza indulging participants will have to really turn up the heat if they wish to attain their goal weights. Despite all of the bravado and kidding, we all do have our goals and dreams in this contest. It would be nice to look down and see my waist size 32 jeans again. Now that I think of it, it would be just nice to be able to see my feet.
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