I was researching restaurants last night to try to find something that reflected the local culture here in Toronto. One of the places I saw listed their cuisine as "Canadian." I clicked on the menu to see nothing but steaks and fish. No special sauces, no indiginous crazy dishes. No elk, no reindeer, no moose and no goose. How the hell did this mix of steaks burgers and fish make it Canadian? Could I at least get Canadian Bacon on my burger? Upon asking some of the locals, they stated, "we don't have a cuisine per say, but if there is, it probably includes bacon and mushrooms." Bacon flavored mushrooms? that'd be a good start.
At the restaurant we eventually selected, I had a Canadian appetizer called "Duck Confit, Poutine". I was so excited and hey, it sounds pretty good, right? Wrong. When they brought me the pile of french fries with cheese, gravy and shredded duck I immediately thought they brought me the wrong dish. Actually, it looked like the discarded table scraps from another table. It didn't taste any better. Heavy, greasy and all out "ducking" terrible. I wept in my Molson Golden Ale.
This morning, just for the hell of it, I typed Canadian Cusisine into Wikipedia and got responses of such culinary delectables as, Beaver Tale, Maple Taffy, Smelts and Chicken Balls. I kid you not, there were even notations referring to Kraft foods and Jello. Planning on booking your next vaca here? Don't bother. It looks like Salt Lake City without the mountains. and if you do come here, pack a sandwich.
What do you expect from a country who's primary export is Moosehead Beer, Bacon and Celine Dion? A country that has currency called the Loonie. A place where the French population wants to cecede. I suppose we should, however give a nod for Neil Young, although the truth is he high tailed it south 40 years ago and hasn't returned. Sugar Mountain? How about Simi Valley.
Look, Canada is a fine place but one that seems to struggle with it's cultural history and cultural cuisine. They should take a lesson from their neighbors down south and partake in the delectable offerings of such American Culinary Mecca's as Chili's, The Macaroni Grille, Applebee's, or that salad and bread stick haven known as the Olive Garden. Look kids, we're not much better.
In all fairness, I've only just started to scratch the surface of what this place has to offer. The people are great and the place is really clean. The money is a lot of fun with their Loonies and Twonies, Purple $10bills and Red $50s. It's like being in play land. It's colder than hell, but not much colder than the climate I just left. As far as the food goes, Deb and Jen say I'm a picky eater and a food snob, which may be true to a certain extent. I can tell you that if I order something that sounds french and they bring me something with fries and gravy again, I'm going to snap and publicly insult Wayne Gretzky, Rogi Vachon, and Ken Dryden. I've never been kicked out of a whole country before...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Naked Truth About Men and the Locker Room
Alright, so far the resolutions are coming along. I finished my first book of the year called "Choke" by Chuck Palhaniuck. A disturbing little story about a disturbed guy written by an apparently disturbed but brilliant author. It's very graphic in terms of the content but I laughed out loud a number of times. I believe they've made it into a film which has yet to be released.
I've also managed to lose a few pounds, most likely water weight, but I also managed to lift and swim a few times and I'm intent to keep the activity up. This endeavor will be increasingly difficult next week as I'm on the road. Canada isn't particularly known for their culinary offerings but I'm sure I'll manage to find something interesting. "More carabo Mr Calabrese?" "Another Molson, perhaps."
While I'm on the subject of working out, I have to share the bizarre disgusting experience that is the men's locker room. Based upon recent occurrences, if you're a guy and you managed to convince some poor unsuspecting woman to be your girlfriend, wife, or significant other, you should thank your lucky stars you have somebody that can stand you, because we as a gender are the most grotesque, disgusting, stinky, undesirable beings the world has ever seen. If we were indeed created in someone's image I'm certain he expected we'd have the good sense to keep our fingers out of our butts.
Guys seem way too at ease in their own nakedness and nudity. I won't say buff, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of "buffness" happening with this particular crowd. It's a locker room of "before" pictures. Guys walk around with no pants, shorts or underwear. They can't even seem to muster the energy to wrap a towel around themselves. Confused about my sexuality? No, I'm just confused why guys can't speak to each other in the normal course of a day, but in the locker room, everyone wants to talk to me with their "little buddy" in the mix.
In any event, the locker room is one putrid petri dish riddled with crimes of human indecency. Here's a couple of long winded examples:
The Gaze:
Men are insecure, and we're terrible at pretending we're not looking. Just ask any woman that wears a low cut blouse, a high cut blouse, a turtle neck, a ski parka or a suit of armor. We get caught looking all the time. It's no different in the men's locker room. It's not a sexual thing mind you, it's a matter of comparison to see how we "measure up". Here internal comments vary from "Holy god" to "That poor bastard."
This also happens well beyond that one particular area. We want to see that we're in no worse, and hopefully better shape than the other guys in the room. Given that the age group is anywhere from 18 to 100 it's a physical perspective of where we've been, where we are and where we will be. The six pack may be gone but at least I can look forward to my manhood hanging to my ankles.
Yes, nakedness abounds in the locker room, but it's worse than you think. I've seen multitple guys use the urinals with nothing but a towel hung over their shoulder or nothing at all. It's disturbing to see some dude with his feet shoulder length apart, leaning back relieving himself with nothing on. It just doesn't look right. The more disturbing thing os that of you have a have young boys in the house, you know not only does with age come wisdom, but also aim. These urinal exhibitionists are usually standing in other guys inaccuracies. How does the rhyme go? "No matter how you sing and dance the last drop always ends up... well, on some dude's feet. "
The Hair Dryer Guy:
The locker room offers some great ammenities including a steam room, sauna, and a number of sinks and complimentary hair dryers. Most guys wash their hands, shave, brush their teeth while naked. I couldn't help but laugh when I was shaving the other day and this gentleman who looked old enough to have attended Lincoln's funeral and naked of course, took his position to my left. He grabbed the hair dryer and started drying his hair? no, he started drying ass. While I was happy to find a use for my long unused hair dryer, I was downright tickled when he turned to use the blow dryer on his front side. First straight on, then from the left, then right. Then he picked himself up and dried his undercarriage.
The Chair Guy
In one corner of the locker room there is a flat screen TV and a few chairs positioned in front of it. The other day there was a guy sitting in the chair watching ESPN with nothing but a T shirt. No pants, no undies. Just sitting back with one leg crossed over the other watching Lebron while scratching himself. By the way, the chairs are not plastic or wood, but upholstered cloth. Have a seat? No thanks. I imagine if I asked him why he was sitting there with just a shirt on, he'd say, "Of course, I'm wearing a shirt, not wearing one would be gross!" Yes it would...Yes it would.
All in all this place is one big carnival of scratching, burping, farting, snorting, all the while looking at everything and nothing at the same time. As much as I would like to change in the car or at home, I'm currently forced to use the locker room. I suppose I'd feel better about it if I didn't keep hearing guys whispering, "That poor bastard."
I've also managed to lose a few pounds, most likely water weight, but I also managed to lift and swim a few times and I'm intent to keep the activity up. This endeavor will be increasingly difficult next week as I'm on the road. Canada isn't particularly known for their culinary offerings but I'm sure I'll manage to find something interesting. "More carabo Mr Calabrese?" "Another Molson, perhaps."
While I'm on the subject of working out, I have to share the bizarre disgusting experience that is the men's locker room. Based upon recent occurrences, if you're a guy and you managed to convince some poor unsuspecting woman to be your girlfriend, wife, or significant other, you should thank your lucky stars you have somebody that can stand you, because we as a gender are the most grotesque, disgusting, stinky, undesirable beings the world has ever seen. If we were indeed created in someone's image I'm certain he expected we'd have the good sense to keep our fingers out of our butts.
Guys seem way too at ease in their own nakedness and nudity. I won't say buff, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of "buffness" happening with this particular crowd. It's a locker room of "before" pictures. Guys walk around with no pants, shorts or underwear. They can't even seem to muster the energy to wrap a towel around themselves. Confused about my sexuality? No, I'm just confused why guys can't speak to each other in the normal course of a day, but in the locker room, everyone wants to talk to me with their "little buddy" in the mix.
In any event, the locker room is one putrid petri dish riddled with crimes of human indecency. Here's a couple of long winded examples:
The Gaze:
Men are insecure, and we're terrible at pretending we're not looking. Just ask any woman that wears a low cut blouse, a high cut blouse, a turtle neck, a ski parka or a suit of armor. We get caught looking all the time. It's no different in the men's locker room. It's not a sexual thing mind you, it's a matter of comparison to see how we "measure up". Here internal comments vary from "Holy god" to "That poor bastard."
This also happens well beyond that one particular area. We want to see that we're in no worse, and hopefully better shape than the other guys in the room. Given that the age group is anywhere from 18 to 100 it's a physical perspective of where we've been, where we are and where we will be. The six pack may be gone but at least I can look forward to my manhood hanging to my ankles.
Yes, nakedness abounds in the locker room, but it's worse than you think. I've seen multitple guys use the urinals with nothing but a towel hung over their shoulder or nothing at all. It's disturbing to see some dude with his feet shoulder length apart, leaning back relieving himself with nothing on. It just doesn't look right. The more disturbing thing os that of you have a have young boys in the house, you know not only does with age come wisdom, but also aim. These urinal exhibitionists are usually standing in other guys inaccuracies. How does the rhyme go? "No matter how you sing and dance the last drop always ends up... well, on some dude's feet. "
The Hair Dryer Guy:
The locker room offers some great ammenities including a steam room, sauna, and a number of sinks and complimentary hair dryers. Most guys wash their hands, shave, brush their teeth while naked. I couldn't help but laugh when I was shaving the other day and this gentleman who looked old enough to have attended Lincoln's funeral and naked of course, took his position to my left. He grabbed the hair dryer and started drying his hair? no, he started drying ass. While I was happy to find a use for my long unused hair dryer, I was downright tickled when he turned to use the blow dryer on his front side. First straight on, then from the left, then right. Then he picked himself up and dried his undercarriage.
The Chair Guy
In one corner of the locker room there is a flat screen TV and a few chairs positioned in front of it. The other day there was a guy sitting in the chair watching ESPN with nothing but a T shirt. No pants, no undies. Just sitting back with one leg crossed over the other watching Lebron while scratching himself. By the way, the chairs are not plastic or wood, but upholstered cloth. Have a seat? No thanks. I imagine if I asked him why he was sitting there with just a shirt on, he'd say, "Of course, I'm wearing a shirt, not wearing one would be gross!" Yes it would...Yes it would.
All in all this place is one big carnival of scratching, burping, farting, snorting, all the while looking at everything and nothing at the same time. As much as I would like to change in the car or at home, I'm currently forced to use the locker room. I suppose I'd feel better about it if I didn't keep hearing guys whispering, "That poor bastard."
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Reolution - Nine in 09
Alright. Many people make resolutions at the beginning of the year and most don't keep them. I'm not much different but I have been thinking a lot about it and them. I have always liked tag lines and slogans so I figured I would do the same for my resolutions in 2009. I have put a little though into them and I already know I'm overshooting and setting myself up for a shortfall, but what the hell. Here it is for all of you who care is my list of things I'd like to accomplish in the year, the list known as nine in 09
1. Like most people I wouldn't mind getting into better shape. I did a pretty good job last year, but i still have some work to do. My priorities have changed a bit in that previously it was about looking better, not I'm just interested in staying alive. So, resolution number 1 is to lose 9 pounds. We're heading to Myrtle Beach in April so that's little more than than a few pounds each month till we head south. I'd give you the exact number and\or calculation but math isn't on my resolution list this year.
2. I will read 9 books that will help me in my career and or personal life. If you have any suggestions for me, I'm all ears. I'll also read at least 9 books for pure pleasure. Not a big number but twice what I read in 08.
3. Debbie and I have spent the past few years walking through Vaughn Woods in South Berwick Maine, and we've talked about hiking elsewhere. I plan to hit 9 different hiking trails in New England this year. I'm sure Deb will come along for the walk.
4. I will learn 9 new things on the guitar this year. For those whom have heard me play, know that my attention span prohibits me from making any real progress. Yeah, I can play, but only a little of this and a little of that. Jack of all trades and master of none? This is where it is most prevalent. If I had a band it would be called "Medley." The truth of the matter is that if I play a whole song, I'm obligated to sing, and nobody wants that...
5. I'll spend 9 days with each of the family one on one. I know this doesn't sound like a lot when you consider there's 365 days in a year, but with two teenagers it's hard to get them to say hello, never mind spend any real quality time together. The travel doesn't help either. Let's face it, these days are numbered, and I have to keep working on my "cool dad" status.
6. I'll average 9 miles a week. This may be walking, swimming, running or biking. Does driving count? The point is, I'd like to keep in motion and keep my jeans from being an ocean... I've bren swimming more lately, but it's not coming easy and it's not pretty. It's more of a controlled drowning.
7. I'll do 9 things outside of my normal work responsibilities to help people that I work with be more successful.
8. I'll try not to see U2 more than 9 times this year (kidding.) Actually I'll do 9 things around the house to improve it. This will be outside the normal maintenance. I'm talking painting, plastering, or some other thing I hate doing...Actually maybe I'll just hire 9 guys to do this crap for me.
9. I'll put time into these 9 things:
1. Like most people I wouldn't mind getting into better shape. I did a pretty good job last year, but i still have some work to do. My priorities have changed a bit in that previously it was about looking better, not I'm just interested in staying alive. So, resolution number 1 is to lose 9 pounds. We're heading to Myrtle Beach in April so that's little more than than a few pounds each month till we head south. I'd give you the exact number and\or calculation but math isn't on my resolution list this year.
2. I will read 9 books that will help me in my career and or personal life. If you have any suggestions for me, I'm all ears. I'll also read at least 9 books for pure pleasure. Not a big number but twice what I read in 08.
3. Debbie and I have spent the past few years walking through Vaughn Woods in South Berwick Maine, and we've talked about hiking elsewhere. I plan to hit 9 different hiking trails in New England this year. I'm sure Deb will come along for the walk.
4. I will learn 9 new things on the guitar this year. For those whom have heard me play, know that my attention span prohibits me from making any real progress. Yeah, I can play, but only a little of this and a little of that. Jack of all trades and master of none? This is where it is most prevalent. If I had a band it would be called "Medley." The truth of the matter is that if I play a whole song, I'm obligated to sing, and nobody wants that...
5. I'll spend 9 days with each of the family one on one. I know this doesn't sound like a lot when you consider there's 365 days in a year, but with two teenagers it's hard to get them to say hello, never mind spend any real quality time together. The travel doesn't help either. Let's face it, these days are numbered, and I have to keep working on my "cool dad" status.
6. I'll average 9 miles a week. This may be walking, swimming, running or biking. Does driving count? The point is, I'd like to keep in motion and keep my jeans from being an ocean... I've bren swimming more lately, but it's not coming easy and it's not pretty. It's more of a controlled drowning.
7. I'll do 9 things outside of my normal work responsibilities to help people that I work with be more successful.
8. I'll try not to see U2 more than 9 times this year (kidding.) Actually I'll do 9 things around the house to improve it. This will be outside the normal maintenance. I'm talking painting, plastering, or some other thing I hate doing...Actually maybe I'll just hire 9 guys to do this crap for me.
9. I'll put time into these 9 things:
- Become more technically proficient with my camera
- Draw, sketch, or paint something and anything
- Working on a craft with my kids or the kids in the neighborhood (I'm thinking of a paper mache dragon for our block party...)
- Volunteering time for a local charity or community event
- Avoiding television. Chess, cribbage, back gammon may be suitable alternatives
- Finding 9 good new bands. these days it's harder than it appears to be.
- Keeping up with my blog
- Visiting my brothers and getting to know their families better
- Reading the newspaper and being more informed globally, nationally and locally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)