"Kids Say the Darndest Things"

I remember a comedian once saying that kids are brutally honest. If a kid tells you you're ugly...you are. I had a similar experience last weekend.

I said hello to the kid in this picture, you know, just trying to be friendly. Her response? "You're bald!" Um, yes, I am... "And your teeth are yellow!" She then turned to Debbie who was laughing hysterically. Debbie asked, "Are my teeth yellow?" The little girl said, "Well, they're not too bad, maybe a little on the bottom, but they're not nearly as bad as his."

When you think you are all that, and you have the world under control, kids will intentionally or not, ground you. This is why we ground them...

I'd tell you more about my conversation with this little one, but she left stating she couldn't tolerate the "stinky" cologne I was wearing.

Shower to the People!

Like most parents who have teenagers, we are challenged by usual things that kids do, such as leaving every light in the house on, or not eating anything that we make short of cheeseburgers and fries. The shower has recently been more of an issue for us. It's confusing. How can two kids who don't pick up after themselves, especially their rooms turn into clean freaks when they enter the shower? I'm talking about half hour or more marathons. They tell me that I don't understand because I don't have to wash my hair which is kind of a cheap shot and completely untrue. I do have to wash my hair, it's just that when a shampoo bottle says to pour a quarter size drop into your hand, I get fifteen cents back. More recently the kids have been using the long since abandoned bath tub.

On Saturday, Casa De Calabrese was enjoying a usual Saturday morning. I had my iPod on while washing the dishes. Zachary decided to take a bath. Deb was heading toward the shower. I was jamming away and scrubbing the breakfast dishes when I was struck with something. Debbie had gotten into the shower and started lathering when all of the hot water went bye-bye. She was immediately pelted with ice cold water. She literally jumped out of the shower and tried to get my attention. This was a challenge as I was "live in concert" and dancing in place. Deb reached into out pantry, grabbed a pack of bagels and let them fly. It scared the crap out of me, and by the way bagels have some weight to them. That's how things roll at the house.

Shower story #2

Before I got into the shower this morning I reinstalled the smoke detector in our back hall that connects the kitchen and downstairs bathroom. I did notice that there was no nine volt but the smoke detector is hard wired. No sooner had I jumped in the shower when the smoke detector let out a quick high picthed alert, this to indicate the battery needed to be replaced. Now I should tell you that the alarm on the smoke detector scares the living daylights out of our dogs, especially Bean. So it was no surprise ot me that after it had gone off, Bean was quickly at the bathroom door. She was frantic, so frantic that I had to step out of the shower and let her in the bathroom. I couldn't believe it when she ran right into the running shower. Picture me in all of my nakedness, (talk about your appetite surpessants...) trying to puch a fifty pound dog out of a running shower. After a second I gave up and just shut the door and proceeded to kill two birds with one stone. Bean and I emerged from the shower, both clean with shiny coats, and it was still shorter than the kids' showers...

"Uncle" Bertie Kline clearly still distraught by what happened in 1985.

Christmas in London

I've just returned from my latest trek abroad. I was in London this week. It wasn't the greatest in terms of finding "posting" inspiration as I was was incredibly busy with work type stuff. I did manage to get out with the camera a few times as is evident by the picture to your left. I found it really interesting to note how deeply the city is in the throws of the Christmas Season. While in the pub during lunch (which is still the coolest thing ever) I stated, "We usually wait until after Thanksgiving to put up lights etc." Um mate, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here." "Yeah sure, you probably don't bother with the 4th of July either!" (note: they don't.) Another in a series of awkward moments while travelling to different places. So if you're travelling here's a few tips as represented by mistakes I've made.

In some hotel rooms you have to put your card key in a slot to activate the electricity in your room. I didn't know this. I was in complete darkness feeling around the walls and switches to get any kind of light in the room. The bellman who brought up my bag to find me deep in the room cold, lost and scared was quite amused.

There's no faster way of showing you are an American than by tipping. Everybody in America, whether it's the person behind the Dunkin Donuts counter to the local plumber expects a gratuity. This is not so in many places. I put a tip down at a pub and one of my mates immediately picked it up and told me not to ever do that again. Most restaurants already include a service charge. Don't pay double, we're in a credit crisis dummy!

While presenting to a large group of Brits, don't tell people they have two options by sticking up your two fingers with the back of your hand out toward them. Your essentially telling them to f*#k off. Insurance executives don't seem to like this. Also don't ever make reference to a "fanny pack" as it doesn't mean the same thing as it does here. This being said, if you are a guy and have or make reference to a fanny pack you probably deserve what's coming to you.

Soccer is football and like many people in the states, football is religion. Don't say it's a lousy sport, especially in a pub. Also, if you're going to spend any real time there, learn the teams. Go Manchester United!!!

Speaking of football, they wonder why we strong Americans need so much padding. They are also mysteriously offended by the Patriots (which they pronounce with a soft a.)

Also:

Learn the metric system
Warm ale is good
An ale or beer in the day is Okay.
Malted vinegar goes on chips, not Ketchup
If your looking left to cross the street, you probably should be looking right
Mopeds and scooters are not uncool here
People dress with flair and style. There are lots of fancy suits, lots of cuff links and most people wear scarves
People still listen to Uriah Heep, Status Quo, and Queen.The Kings of Leon are considered rock Gods here and fill 100,000 seat stadiums.
Don't be a dobber, don't drive whilest pissed, and don't ever toast with an empty glass

Cheers.

"Tom Waits For No One"

You know you've had a fantastic experience if it the memory stays fresh and repeatedly creeps back into your thoughts. I've been blessed with many, but I've intended to write this one down for some time as it was a brief, but great father son moment.

Earlier this year I had the opportunity to see one of my musical heroes, Tom Waits (Please note for the record that I was turned on to Tom Waits by my lovely bride who has not let me forget this or anything else since. Thanks Deb!)

Tom being the nut that he is squashed my dream of Deb, myself and my buddies seeing him in Boston at the Orpheum theater. His tour omitted the usual "Big Market" stops like New York, Boston, Chicago or Los Angeles and took a different path to such thriving metropolitan areas as, Tulsa, El Paso, Mobile, Columbus, and Okay, Atlanta. "Screw it"I said, looked at the dates in terms of what would work and decided Atlanta would be the target. This would be the last stop on this brief tour.

The show was scheduled for July 5th. This was going to be tight, as we had concrete plans for the 4th and we were leaving for a 10 day family vacation on the morning of the 7th. My dad committed to not only coming to the show, but driving the 6 hours to get there. Deb opted out due to the impracticalities, the logistics and general stupidity of flying to Atlanta for one night to see a concert, (Thank God someone in the family actually uses their brain.)

I got to Atlanta fairly early, checked into the hotel and walked over to the theater. Amazingly, even though it was only 10:00 in the morning there were quite a few people milling about the The historic Fox Theater, home of many legendary performances including the classic Lynyrd Skynyrd live album "One For/From the Road." I spoke to almost everybody there finding out where they were from, where they were sitting, what TW disc was their favorite etc. I was not surprised to see that I wasn't the only loser who travelled to come to the show. There were people from the West Coast, Germany, Sweden, Spain, and even a far off place called Milwaukee. Again, it should be noted that Tom Waits does not tour often and when he does, he doesn't go far and he doesn't go long (sounds disturbingly familiar...Sorry Deb.)

I toured the theater and later met up with my dad and his misses. We had a couple of drinks and then dinner. Joyce opted out of going to the concert as the gravely whisky and cigarette soaked voice possessed by Mr Waits is an acquired taste much like Scotch or Moxie, (for those reading who are not familiar with Moxie, it's an acquired taste much like Scotch or Tom Waits music.)

To make a long story not so long, I'll state that the concert was all I thought it would be. Tom Waits is an amazing performer and someone, like Sinatra or the Stones should at least be seen once in your lifetime. I do however have to admit that early on in the show I tried not to look at my dad, this for fear of seeing him disengaged, bored or tired. I just wasn't sure if he was going to enjoy it and selfishly I didn't want to spoil my own experience. I was thrilled however to look over and see him into it. We met the people around us, yet again noting that people came from all over the globe. We all shook hands talked laughed and joked and created our own miniature, temporary community. Dad and I were a well oiled communicating machine with people probably remembering the guy with his bald father being a really fun part of the show(warning: This is an inside joke. Male pattern baldness skips a generation.) Anyway We were all in it together, that is until about three quarters of the way through the show when I couldn't resist the temptation to get a closer look. I abandoned dear old dad and the temporary U.N. to get a better look. Technically, it wasn't rushing the stage, it was more a moderate limp down the aisle, but I did manage to kneel and watch a song or two from about the second row(note: Tom looked better from the 26th.)

All in all a fantastic experience. I got up the next morning, had breakfast with Dad and Joyce. We said our goodbyes and I was off to the airport. Worth it? Absolutely! The show was great, the people were fantastic, but the time spent with the "old man" was great. It's weird in a way it was poetic justice. Deb may have turned me on to Tom Waits, but my father is the one who instilled the great love of music. Just look at his comments from the Buddah posting. He knows his shit. Thanks Dad.

Home At Last (at least for the moment...)

I was warned that the momentum of the Asia Pacific trip, as well as the jet lag would hit me like a classic Mike Tyson punch once I finally got home. I started feeling the effect once I was en route and it was certainly amplified when I found myself stranded at Logan International (The Limo Company had me booked for the next day), but I was clobbered once I actually got home.

The last thing I wanted to do once home was to eat out, but I hadn't had a slice of pizza in three weeks. Halfway through eating I completely stopped talking. As much as I had missed the family and as much as I wanted to spend time with them, I just wanted to go to be and get some real sleep. Awaking the next morning I had high aspirations; running, doing some long neglected chores around the house, or even some work work, I was home and ready for the day. "I'll get started immediately, well after I lay down for just a minute..." A minute turned into an hour and an hour turned into hours. Jerry Springer, The Food Network, ESPN, and Oprah. I only left the couch to grab snacks, and use the clockwise flushing toilet. Over the next few days I frequently fell asleep, got nothing done and was generally useless. Deb didn't seem to notice any difference...

"Show Me the Way To go Home"

Well I'm sitting at Heathrow airport awaiting the last leg of my journey. I started at 1:05 Hong Kong time and I'm actually feeling pretty good considering the trip. I have had the benefit of a shower and managed to brush my teeth which most here won't notice, but I can assure you if I hadn't, people would have started dropping spare change in my hands. My appearance, aroma, and breath were dreadful after the 13 hour flight. Kind of what you would imagine Keith Richards would have smelled like in the 70's. Now it's a four hour layover and a quick seven hour shuttle across the pond to Logan.

I hope you all continue to keep checking the site as I intend to keep writing. I'm eager to see you all very soon, especially you Ms Calabrese...

Speaking of Calabrese, can anyone provide the real pronounciation? When I was a kid I always pronounced the e at the end. My brother Jimmy never did, and I think my brother Billy bounced back and forth. Everyone I meet outside the country manage to make it sound more Italian by emphasizing the vowels and adding an Italian accent to it. It sounds pretty good to me. At this writing I'm considering a family vote, or I may elect to just go with the single name Jack, you know, like Sting or Madonna, but without the talent. Can't wait to hear the family comments on this one...

Heard About the Food Problems in Asia?

Let's play a game. Take a good look at this picture and see if you can find what's missing.

I walked down a random street in Hong Kong and came upon stall after stall of local food vendors. Whether you're looking for fish, vegetables, spices, or meats, it all seems to be here. Despite a tremendous number of people, there seems to be no shortage of anything with the exception of...do you see it? There's no freaking ice! No cold packs, no cold air or refrigeration whatsoever. When I took this shot it was well into the afternoon and it was about 80 degrees. Being the only non Asian on the street taking pictures, I'm certain that if I asked, I would receive only the freshest choice cut imaginable. Hotel food? Yes please! Actually, I tried a bunch of things here, the majority of them strange and delicious. Indigestion or intestinal distress? It never happened. Here's a quick list:

Pork Cheeks with Spicy Chili Sauce

Chili Crab

Razor Clams

Giant Periwinkles (raw, of course...)

Fried baby quid (whole. If you told me I was eating fried scorpions I would have believed it)

Pork necks

Spicy Sting Ray

Cold Malted Barley juice

Smoked Eel

and a bunch of stuff, quite honestly I didn't know what it was...

These beautiful people eat every part of the animal. Pork Cheeks, you got it! Calf testicles? You can't eat just one. I can only imagine what my kids and most of their friends would do if they lived here. I can't get mine to eat asparagus, never mind something like sauteed fish livers...There are definitely fast food places here, but their food is closer to that nature intended us to eat, this being said, I'm dying for a tuna fish sandwich on toast...

Hong Kong

When I was a kid my friend Greg and I would hang out in my parents basement and listen to my father's extensive record collection. We'd listent to all types of music including old rock and roll and soul from artists like, The Impressions and Gladys Knight and the Pips who were both on Buddah Records. Well, sadly, Buddah Records is long gone, but the symbol of that great label remains!!

At the summit of Ngong Ping sits the Tian Ten Buddah, popularly referred to as the, "Big Buddah." It's an impressive thing to see and worth the gondola ride through the mountains, and to be honest I can't believe how many people remember Buddah records. There were people from everywhere!

Seriously, the pictures do not do it justice. It's a very impressive piece, I'd like to say of history, but I was disappointed to find that it was completed way way back in 1993. Notice the right hand of th eBuddah is raised. This is to symbolize the removal of affliction. The many gift shops that sit at the base have vendors who raise their right hands and symbolze the removal of your cash.