Men's Large Contingent - Weigh in #2

They say that what goes up must come down, and if this hypothesis is true, then it must also be true that what goes down must also come up, yes? Today was a big yes.

The learned gentlemen who are currently competing in the "Men's Large Contingent" weight loss competition proved today that we are far better sprinters than marathoners with each of our respective weight loss strategies sputtering out just past the starting line. Actually, given our dismal results, I'm not sure that any of us could be confused with anyone who sprints, runs, Zumbas or any other calorie burning activity other than the incidental calorie burning that occurs while eating.

Each of us gathered in my office this morning, some with their punitive $20 ready in hand to pay the penalty for losing ground and gaining mass, belly or ass. One by one we took our turns stepping on the scale looking at results that rivaled our SAT scores and wondered what we could have done to prevent the upward slide.

I went first and was disappointed to see that I had gained back a half pound. I wondered where I went astray. Could it have been the countless birthday celebrations, the week in Chicago complete with the classic Chicago dog, or maybe it was the two slices of Sausage, Onion and Ricotta pizza I had the night before the weigh in? It was a mystery thicker than the Fribbles that pulse through my veins.

Ralph went next and found himself two plus pounds from his last reading. could it have been the multiple slices of pizza that he ingested to counter act the many beers he had Saturday night? Maybe the multiple fast food stops on his way to Florida, or could it have been the Chinese food and Banana Split he had the night before he weighed in? It seems like a mystery worthy of those who dedicate their lives to investigating the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot and Charlie Sheen's sobriety.

Tim and Stephen went next and had the same results and the same pathetic recollections of a nutrition plan that as Ozzy would say, was "going off the rails of the gravy train." We each sat in a circle and recounted our moments of weakness, sharing tales of beer, burgers, slices and vices. Our individual disclosures were like a half ass AA meeting, except that when someone offered their lapses, the rest of us made yummy sounds and salivated like an inebriated late night Beachmont Roast Beef customer. There would be no six month chips awarded today. Did someone say chips?

All of us paid our penalty, and felt great shame.