Dino Duds

I just had a close call.

We’re currently watching a woman’s chihuahua while she’s sorting out her current living situation. He’s a cute little guy, but he’s not nearly as house trained as our own k9’s. I just walked upstairs and I was barefoot as I had just come out of the shower. As I walked, I felt a little cold squish on my foot so I immediately took my weight off and averted an accident on top of an accident. 

I went into the bathroom and grabbed some tissue to remove the offending nugget. But when I returned to the hallway it seemed to have vanished. Oh, it was there, but the fact is is that I’m colorblind so I was playing “Where’s Waldo” with what I assumed was a  piece of poo. 

Then I found it agin. Unfortunately, the way I found it was the same way I had found it the first time, but again, realizing what was happening, my reflexes reacted and the perfect sphere remained as such. 

Picking it up, I gave it a quick look and wondered whether it was a true Dino dropping or a dropped Milk Dud that the kids were eating. “Well, there’s only one way to find out!”  


As horrified as you may be, you shouldn’t fret because disaster was averted. 

Funny thing about those Milk Duds. I’m not sure why the kids eat them. They taste like dog poop. 

Book Group

I’ve never been part of a book group before and to be honest I’ve always been a hit or miss reader. I spent most of my school years avoiding relationships with the likes of Arthur Miller, Charles Dickens and Chaucer, and instead spent my time in the picture filled pages of Creem, Rolling Stone and Hit Parader. For years I couldn’t tell you the characters in Huckleberry Finn, but I could easily rattle off the original line up of the Allman Brothers, Moody Blues or tell you who played lead on “You Really Got Me (it was Jimmy Page).”

Our book group has been affectionately referred to as “Gay Man’s Book Club” for no other reason that it seems strange to guys outside of our group to have a bunch of dudes sitting around munching on finger food and discussing the plot lines, themes, symbolism and merits of Toni Morrison’s “Soma.” When I mention the book group to other friends I always try to toughen our image up by letting them know that the books are really an excuse to imbibe good bourbon, drink beer, fart, and relive our days of past glory, but to be honest it never really works. I may as well be telling them that I’m part of a knitting circle. I always get questions like, “Does the best kisser get to pick the book”, and “is it a formal event or can you wear any old dress?” Why can’t we just all get along?

Speaking of dresses, there’s another book group in our neighborhood that has been organized, facilitated and attended by the women folk in the hood and their ever expanding circle of friends. They have had a consistent streak of reading, meeting and discussing for nine or so years. They appear to be very organized, prepared and they have a system that they utilize to pick their selections. There may be literary weighting and voting involved, and their discussions are probably far more thought provoking than we’ve been able to conjure up. I suspect if they wished to, they could channel their collective energy and intellect and change the world, but in defense of us guys and our meetings… we usually have chicken wings.

The thing about the books that get selected is that they seem to reflect the personalities of the guys who do the selecting. You can definitely pick out the differences between the picks of literary types and what I’ll refer to as the Average Joes. The literary types have provided deep meaning and dense offerings that are widely respected some receiving Pulitzer recognition, while the Average Joes offer tales of football players, private eyes and the occasional crazed zombie invasion.

A few evenings ago I satisfied my wife’s curiosity of our latest reading assignment and read aloud from the first chapter of House of Holes by Nicholson Baker. She lay quietly enjoying the warmth of the electric blanket while I delivered each sentence and paragraph. As the story began to unfold about the woman who found the detached arm, brought it home, fed it fish food and let it sexually molest her and her roommate, Deb grew anxious and stated, “Is this the type of crap you guys have been reading?” What the hell type of deranged book group are you a part of and who’s the sicko who picked this book?” Then she said, “Keep reading. I want to find out what happens next!” As I said, the books reflect the group.

To be honest, I haven’t been able to make heads nor tales of the artistic merit of what we’ve read or what any of it means. That’s why I’m also reading the “Stairway to Heaven: Led Zeppelin Uncensored.” Now that’s some good writing!

Gift Advice

I ran into a friend of mine the other day while we were Christmas Shopping. During our brief conversation, she said she was thinking about writing a book about all the bad gifts people get during the holidays. Much of this was inspired by the countless horrible and ridiculous gifts she had been given by her goofy, off the mark husband. I thought it was a cute idea, so after a little thought I sent her along a top ten list of gift no no's:

10: Never buy anything practical, especially if it's something she can use on you. I don't care how badly you need a new vacuum cleaner, every time it sucks she'll be reminded that the gift did too. Steak knives are a particularly bad idea.

9. It may say it right on the card, but in a relationship, a gift certificate is not a gift, period.

8. Buying something for yourself and trying to pass it off as a gift for her will never work. No matter how cool she may think a plasma TV is, she doesn't want one for Christmas, her birthday and especially your anniversary. Buy it for yourself and take the heat you selfish bastard...

7. Lingerie is a dangerous area and should be avoided. If you go too conservative, she'll resent the gift. If you go too aggressive she'll think you're a pig (which of course...you are.) Feetie pajamas are cute and may work. Forget anything crotchless.

6. When mapping out your present shopping, avoid the following locations: Home Depot, Spencer Gifts, Radio Shack and Hickory Farms.

5. Chocolates and champagne are like broccoli and carrots. They're the side dish, not the present.

4. No porno, especially if you're in it.

3. No beef jerky, ever.

2. Unless you are a craftsman or a jeweler, avoid making gifts. No paper mache, no finger painting and no Play-Do.

1. If she tells you that she doesn't want anything and you find yourself on that special day with nothing but your manhood in your hand, get comfortable because that's how you're going to be for a long, long...Long time.

Good luck everybody!

The Gift

I get sent a lot of stuff. Jokes, limericks, riddles and poems. Many of them aren't very good, but some make me laugh and they always bring an appreciated smile. Of all the funny things I've been sent, this one has always been my favorite. It's a little naughty, but it's nothing by today's standards. It's called "The Gift."

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the current year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."