Men's Large Contingent - Weigh In #3

Like the 2004 Red Sox, the valiant members of the Large Men’s Contingent displayed great courage and perseverance with a stunning come-back in weigh in #3. Our trusty scale was greatly relieved and thankful to not have the carry the full burden of the prior week’s poundage as three out of four of our contestants came in under their previous documented and disgraceful “weigh-in” weights.

The recently slandered Ralph was apparently so distraught by the inaccurate reporting of his previous weight that he went on a temporary hunger strike and lost 1 pound. It would have been much more than that but when he heard himself being referred to as Gandhi, he thought we said “candy” and he ran to the corner store for some Mallow Cups. The Sunday trip to the casino for slots and all you can eat Chinese was reported to be an additional contributing factor. Apparently, losing at the casino doesn’t correlate to losing actual body mass. The "Big as a house" always wins.

Tim who was also a loser of 2.5 pounds this week credited his loss to time spent on his elliptical rider. He would have lost more if his wife would have stopped kicking him off of the damned thing. Tim has complained that his weight readings have been influenced by the additional weight of his wife “being on his back all of the time.” Tim has been so inspired by marriage that he’s taken to running away from home. Thus far, he’s only been able to get three miles or so before he gets cold, tired, hungry and missing his miss’s.

There’s not much to report about Stephen who was our only gainer this week, and only by a mere half pound. You would think that the only bachelor in the group would be able to excel past the competition, but Stephen is finding that abstaining from the pepperoni and sausage on his pizzas may not be enough to influence a significant loss. There’s a rumor that Stephen actually exercised last week, but those rumors turned out to be him merely passing by a PX90 infomercial while trying to find the Food Network. He did, however complain of soreness from this incidental activity.

I myself lost 2.5 pounds which is a miracle considering the trip to the Newbridge Café, the multiple Guinness at the Pogues show or the full on southern picnic we had at our house on Sunday. Jack History Month continues to take its toll on my progress and I’m hoping my weight loss will increase once the narcissistic, egomania that is Jack History Month comes to an end. There was some controversy by the other contestants that I had an unfair advantage because of the lack of hair on my head. Once I showed the boys my back hair, and once they stopped retching, they dropped their concern and offered their collective sympathy.

As we move into our weekly weigh ins, there’s more focus and an increased opportunity to challenge each other, as well as more opportunities to bust each other’s chops. For those of you, who have nothing better to do than follow this silliness, please remember that this competition is rooted in the spirit of nutrition, health, camaraderie and goodwill, so please, no wagering and no more sending in doughnuts.