Roast Beef Tour

I don't know how these goofy things begin, but somehow I found myself on an unannounced, unintentional and questionable quest to try, differentiate and determine the best New England style (if it is indeed New England Style Roast beef. To be honest, I don't really know) roast beef sandwich in what was once within the geographic sphere in which I lived. Here are some of my findings

Royal Roast Beef (East Boston) - The place was busy and for some reason filled with representatives of  various local law enforcement agencies. I was temporarily impressed when a rotund Boston cop ordered a large salad until he followed up with, "And a "Supah" Beef with extra sauce and cheese and a lahge orda of rings." There were a number of people busily working behind the counter and my order was taken by a pleasant young lady who was gawking at me, ( I get that a lot and attribute it to my uncanny resemblance to Christian Bale.)

The sandwich was good, but slightly flat. A good balance between the beef, cheese and sauce. The toasted bun was a little doughy but held up fine.

Beachmont Roast Beef (Beachmont) - This is the place that was on my mind and one of my big go tos when I was a young Christian Bale looking teenager. The place has been there for years and the diner car style building hasn't changed much since that time. I reminisced , by sitting at the booth style table that we used to occupy, and I chuckled, fondly recalling the time John Gurliaccio attempted and succeeded in fitting an entire Double Decker beef with sauce and cheese into his mouth at once. I wonder if he's fully digested it yet.

There was literally no one in this place except the unfriendly and unsmiling staff that stood behind the counter, (apparently not big Christian Bale or more appropriately, Vin Deisel fans)

The roast beef sandwich came out considerably hotter that Royal's, both in temperature and spice. The lightly toasted bun was pleasant enough, but to be honest it didn't live up to my memories. Maybe I needed to imbibe a six pack of Heffenreffers beforehand to regain my love for this place.

Bill & Bob's Roast Beef (Route 1 Malden) - Okay, there's no way that there's anyone named Bill or Bob in this place. This place is disgustingly dirty and not a place that should be considered for your wedding reception, children's birthday party or mitzvah. It was cheap, but the the sandwich was just okay and lacked body. B&B literally shave their beef to order, blast it in a microwave.  and drown it in sauce, which makes me wonder what they're hiding.  They also don't toast their bread, so the whole composition was mushy and uninspired. Usually, I would suggest pairing this type of sandwich with a hearty Cabernet or barolo, but a Pepsi seems more appropriate. It's not a bad place in a pinch, but if you're going to eat inside, don't forget your hazmat suit.

Kelly's Roast Beef (Route 1 Saugus) - Kelly's is regarded as the gold standard when it comes to these sandwiches, but I find it interesting that my brothers and many of my peers regard it as "shitty."  They are the most expensive of the places I visited and it was by far the busiest. I'm not sure how to explain this, but the Olive Garden is always busy despite the fact that their food is disgusting. Most people are aware of my views of the Gahden. Those places should be used as practice sites for military drone strikes. Take your bottomless (and tasteless) salad and your horrible bread sticks and die. I hate you, Olive Garden.

The Kelly's Roast Beef  sandwich was presented in a bulky style sesame seed bun that had a nice toasty crunch to it. Their beef is definitely cooked longer and is more medium to well compared to the other places that are on the medium rare to rare side.  They also slice it thicker than the other places, and some of the slices were reminiscent of the insole of a shoe.

I think the good people at Kelly's closely guard their sauce. You won't get it in bottles, you won't get the recipe and you barely get it in the sandwich itself, even if you ask for extra, heavy, smothered or saturated. They are Kelly's and you'll take what they give you, even if you look like Christian Bale.

All in all it was a fun little trip to occupy a busy mind on a rainy drive home. Having read many a RollingStone "Greatest of All Time" list, I expect you'll have your own view of each of these and maybe question why I didn't include your own favorite establishment. I would have, but I got full really fast.

One other thing; trying to differentiate between and judge all of these was difficult, but not nearly as difficult as explaining to my wife why i did it. I told her that many years from now when I die from natural causes, they'll examine me and find extra cheese and sauce in my brain.

Deb says, "That's if they find one.