The Naked Truth About Men and the Locker Room

Alright, so far the resolutions are coming along. I finished my first book of the year called "Choke" by Chuck Palhaniuck. A disturbing little story about a disturbed guy written by an apparently disturbed but brilliant author. It's very graphic in terms of the content but I laughed out loud a number of times. I believe they've made it into a film which has yet to be released.

I've also managed to lose a few pounds, most likely water weight, but I also managed to lift and swim a few times and I'm intent to keep the activity up. This endeavor will be increasingly difficult next week as I'm on the road. Canada isn't particularly known for their culinary offerings but I'm sure I'll manage to find something interesting. "More carabo Mr Calabrese?" "Another Molson, perhaps."

While I'm on the subject of working out, I have to share the bizarre disgusting experience that is the men's locker room. Based upon recent occurrences, if you're a guy and you managed to convince some poor unsuspecting woman to be your girlfriend, wife, or significant other, you should thank your lucky stars you have somebody that can stand you, because we as a gender are the most grotesque, disgusting, stinky, undesirable beings the world has ever seen. If we were indeed created in someone's image I'm certain he expected we'd have the good sense to keep our fingers out of our butts.

Guys seem way too at ease in their own nakedness and nudity. I won't say buff, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of "buffness" happening with this particular crowd. It's a locker room of "before" pictures. Guys walk around with no pants, shorts or underwear. They can't even seem to muster the energy to wrap a towel around themselves. Confused about my sexuality? No, I'm just confused why guys can't speak to each other in the normal course of a day, but in the locker room, everyone wants to talk to me with their "little buddy" in the mix.

In any event, the locker room is one putrid petri dish riddled with crimes of human indecency. Here's a couple of long winded examples:


The Gaze:

Men are insecure, and we're terrible at pretending we're not looking. Just ask any woman that wears a low cut blouse, a high cut blouse, a turtle neck, a ski parka or a suit of armor. We get caught looking all the time. It's no different in the men's locker room. It's not a sexual thing mind you, it's a matter of comparison to see how we "measure up". Here internal comments vary from "Holy god" to "That poor bastard."

This also happens well beyond that one particular area. We want to see that we're in no worse, and hopefully better shape than the other guys in the room. Given that the age group is anywhere from 18 to 100 it's a physical perspective of where we've been, where we are and where we will be. The six pack may be gone but at least I can look forward to my manhood hanging to my ankles.

Yes, nakedness abounds in the locker room, but it's worse than you think. I've seen multitple guys use the urinals with nothing but a towel hung over their shoulder or nothing at all. It's disturbing to see some dude with his feet shoulder length apart, leaning back relieving himself with nothing on. It just doesn't look right. The more disturbing thing os that of you have a have young boys in the house, you know not only does with age come wisdom, but also aim. These urinal exhibitionists are usually standing in other guys inaccuracies. How does the rhyme go? "No matter how you sing and dance the last drop always ends up... well, on some dude's feet. "

The Hair Dryer Guy:

The locker room offers some great ammenities including a steam room, sauna, and a number of sinks and complimentary hair dryers. Most guys wash their hands, shave, brush their teeth while naked. I couldn't help but laugh when I was shaving the other day and this gentleman who looked old enough to have attended Lincoln's funeral and naked of course, took his position to my left. He grabbed the hair dryer and started drying his hair? no, he started drying ass. While I was happy to find a use for my long unused hair dryer, I was downright tickled when he turned to use the blow dryer on his front side. First straight on, then from the left, then right. Then he picked himself up and dried his undercarriage.

The Chair Guy

In one corner of the locker room there is a flat screen TV and a few chairs positioned in front of it. The other day there was a guy sitting in the chair watching ESPN with nothing but a T shirt. No pants, no undies. Just sitting back with one leg crossed over the other watching Lebron while scratching himself. By the way, the chairs are not plastic or wood, but upholstered cloth. Have a seat? No thanks. I imagine if I asked him why he was sitting there with just a shirt on, he'd say, "Of course, I'm wearing a shirt, not wearing one would be gross!" Yes it would...Yes it would.

All in all this place is one big carnival of scratching, burping, farting, snorting, all the while looking at everything and nothing at the same time. As much as I would like to change in the car or at home, I'm currently forced to use the locker room. I suppose I'd feel better about it if I didn't keep hearing guys whispering, "That poor bastard."