Gift Advice

I ran into a friend of mine the other day while we were Christmas Shopping. During our brief conversation, she said she was thinking about writing a book about all the bad gifts people get during the holidays. Much of this was inspired by the countless horrible and ridiculous gifts she had been given by her goofy, off the mark husband. I thought it was a cute idea, so after a little thought I sent her along a top ten list of gift no no's:

10: Never buy anything practical, especially if it's something she can use on you. I don't care how badly you need a new vacuum cleaner, every time it sucks she'll be reminded that the gift did too. Steak knives are a particularly bad idea.

9. It may say it right on the card, but in a relationship, a gift certificate is not a gift, period.

8. Buying something for yourself and trying to pass it off as a gift for her will never work. No matter how cool she may think a plasma TV is, she doesn't want one for Christmas, her birthday and especially your anniversary. Buy it for yourself and take the heat you selfish bastard...

7. Lingerie is a dangerous area and should be avoided. If you go too conservative, she'll resent the gift. If you go too aggressive she'll think you're a pig (which of course...you are.) Feetie pajamas are cute and may work. Forget anything crotchless.

6. When mapping out your present shopping, avoid the following locations: Home Depot, Spencer Gifts, Radio Shack and Hickory Farms.

5. Chocolates and champagne are like broccoli and carrots. They're the side dish, not the present.

4. No porno, especially if you're in it.

3. No beef jerky, ever.

2. Unless you are a craftsman or a jeweler, avoid making gifts. No paper mache, no finger painting and no Play-Do.

1. If she tells you that she doesn't want anything and you find yourself on that special day with nothing but your manhood in your hand, get comfortable because that's how you're going to be for a long, long...Long time.

Good luck everybody!